Chapter Text
September 2036
It had been more than a week since the church had burned down, and the citizens of Jackson had worked together to clear the blackened mess of burned wood and the sins turned to ash. Building a new house of worship would take time and planning, something Tommy wasn’t ready to commit his construction crew to. The council members agreed that the project could wait until spring and the community center could be used as a place of worship.
As for a spiritual leader, the council also agreed that the citizens could take it upon themselves to be leaders, and counselors and lend a hand to those in need until decisions about their fallen pastor could be made.
When Ellie and Dina pointed out Jackson’s laws reverted to pre-2013 laws if not explicitly decreed in the town charter, the council was thrown into chaos at how to proceed with law and order. There were no lawyers in Jackson, no way of selecting a jury or seeking justice for the man sitting in a jail cell. The question of how long they could hold David hung in the balance.
During her first week of recovery, Ellie stayed at Joel’s house. While she’d slept in his bed, he’d fixed up the spare bedroom in his house, and she’d frowned at him one morning when he’d brought her to the room. “There’s a desk, and I fixed the window so it don’t stick,” he’d shown her. “There’s fresh sheets and we can bring your clothes over here and… what?” he’d asked.
“Do… do you not want me in your…” she’d cleared her throat, biting the inside of her lips to keep the tears from pooling in her eyes.
“No, no, sweet girl, listen to me,” he’d implored, sitting on the edge of the freshly made bed as he’d looked up at her. “I want you to feel at home here and this can be a place that’s your own. I want you to see that… that you can stay here… if you want,” he’d said. “That… you don’t have to sleep… you can have space if you want it.”
Ellie knew she was broken, knew he wouldn’t look at her the same way, and she’d nodded, looking around the room. Joel felt like he’d done something wrong when she’d shaken her head, walking over to look out the window. “It’s nice, thank you,” she’d said softly.
That night, she’d stood in the hallway, unsure where she was supposed to go, where he wanted her to sleep. Part of her wished she’d kept her big mouth shut, hadn’t gone off on a tirade with Maria, declaring her love for Joel to the entire town.
Joel had been coming upstairs when he saw her pacing back and forth between the two bedrooms. The sleeves of the flannel he’d given her hung below her wrists and barely covered the pair of shorts she wore. “Oh,” he sighed, “I knew I f*cked up,” he’d grumbled, reaching for her arm. “I just wanted you to feel comfortable. I shouldn’t have… changed things up.”
Ellie had looked down at her feet, offering him a small shrug. “I can go back to my apartment,” she’d offered.
Joel had tugged on her arm, encouraging her to step into his embrace. “Come to bed,” he’d insisted, pressing a soft kiss to the crown of her head.
It was two days later, and Ellie still wasn’t sure where she stood with him. She was upstairs sitting at the desk he’d set up for her when there was a knock at the front door. Ellie sat quietly, listening to Joel answer the door. “Come on in, honey,” she heard him say softly.
“Thanks, Mr. Miller.”
“Now, Dina,” Joel chided as he closed the door, “known you for a long time, and you know to call me Joel.”
“Right,” she laughed softly. “I wanted to see how Ellie was doing. Doc let me go up to her apartment and get some more things for her. I figured she might be staying here for a while.”
“She’s upstairs, and I’m sure she’ll appreciate the gesture,” he said. “I’m gonna be workin’ with Tommy over at the dining hall if either of you need anythin’; give you girls some privacy,” he said. Ellie couldn’t hear exactly what they said next, but there was a shuffle of Joel’s heavy, booted footfalls before the front door closed, and then she heard Dina coming up the stairs.
Ellie closed her journal and pushed back from her desk as Dina approached, holding a cardboard box filled with things from her apartment. “Hey,” Dina smiled, “can I come in?”
Ellie nodded, spinning around in her chair, and gesturing for Dina to sit on the bed. “What’s all that?”
“Doc let me into your apartment and I grabbed some more clothes and things for you. This little guy needs you,” she said, holding out the small, potted succulent she’d given Ellie when she’d moved into the apartment.
Ellie smiled softly, taking the plant. “Surprised I haven’t offed this thing,” she huffed, walking over to the bay window. She set it in the corner, turning it so it captured the most sunlight.
“This room is nice,” Dina said, sitting on the corner of the bed. “Are you… staying in here?”
“Are you asking me if I’m sleeping with Joel?” Ellie responded, quirking an eyebrow.
The corner of Dina’s mouth turned up in a smirk. “Well… I was there when you told half the town that he’s the man you love.”
Ellie groaned and sat heavily on the bed. “That wasn’t my finest moment.”
“It was kind of romantic though,” Dina assured her. “Taking on the town’s unofficial leader, defending your relationship with an inappropriately older man… kind of hot,” she winked.
“Thanks,” Ellie mumbled. She shuffled around on the bed, moving to sit near the headboard, crossing her legs as she pulled the box close to her. “Thanks for bringing this stuff. I haven’t really left here in… sh*t, how long has it been?”
“About a week,” Dina offered. “Your face looks better,” she said.
“Ribs still hurt,” Ellie said. “Joel said Doc wants to see me in a couple of days, check me over again,” she said, running a hand over her side. “Any news on… what they’re gonna do with him?”
“Nope,” Dina said, shaking her head. “I’ve been working at the clinic because Maria has been almost as much of a recluse as you’ve been.”
“Wait, why?” Ellie asked, sitting up straighter. “What happened?”
“The Council figured out that they need to write more laws,” she said. “They don’t have a way of giving him a fair trial so they don’t know what to do with him,” Dina explained.
“That’s insane,” Ellie exclaimed. “How can they not have a system for this!”
“They assumed people would just keep their noses in line, do their jobs, and live their lives,” Dina said.
“The world might have fallen apart, but people haven’t changed,” Ellie said, shaking her head. There were still bad people, Ellie thought.
Dina shifted to sit beside Ellie. “Are you okay? We… haven’t gotten to talk…”
“Still pretty achy and…”
“Not that,” Dina whispered, looking over at her.
“Oh… right,” Ellie nodded, offering her a shrug. “He wanted to… he tried to,” she frowned, unable to verbalize what he’d wanted to do. “sh*t, he said he wanted to grow Jackson’s flock with me,” she said, curling her arms around her stomach.
“What a sick bastard,” Dina groaned. “I owe you an apology,” she said, holding up her hand when Ellie started to protest. “No, I should have gone to Maria sooner. I should have told her from the very beginning, but Talia was so afraid, she’s still afraid, that we’ll be the ones who are asked to leave,” Dina explained. “That’s no excuse though. I put you in danger by… by keeping quiet. Ellie, I’m so sorry,” she said, swallowing hard as tears formed in her dark eyes.
“It’s not your fault,” Ellie said, her voice thick with emotion, too. She turned towards her friend, reaching out to squeeze her hand. “None of this is your fault… or mine,” she breathed, finding it hard to admit that. She felt like so much of this was her fault.
“I went to Maria and told her everything,” Dina said, resting back against Ellie’s pillows. Ellie laid back beside her, their heads resting next to one another as they talked. “I don’t know if that’s why no one has seen her in a few days, but she seemed pretty rattled after I told her.”
Ellie squeezed her hand again then looped her arm through Dina’s. “You did the right thing. He doesn’t deserve to get away with this… not what he did to you, or your sister. I…”
There was a knock at the front door and then they heard Maria calling out for Ellie. “Up here,” Ellie called. “What do you think she wants?” Ellie whispered as the girls sat up on the bed. Dina shrugged as they watched the doorway.
Maria appeared in the doorway and she looked between the girls, letting out a soft sigh. “Actually, I’m glad you’re both here,” she said, clasping her hands in front of her. “Is Joel here?”
Dina shook her head. “No, he went over to see Tommy when I got here,” she said.
“May I come in?” Maria asked.
“Sure,” Ellie gestured towards her desk chair, but grasped Dina’s hand, shaking her head for her to not go anywhere.
“Is this… are you staying here?” Maria asked, looking around the room at some of Ellie’s personal belongings.
Ellie co*cked her head as if daring Maria to ask what she really wanted to know. “Joel wanted me to feel at home, have my own space while I recover,” she said.
The older woman nodded and pulled the chair around so she could sit near the bed. She took a steadying breath, squaring her shoulders. “I need to apologize to both of you. Dina, I’ve already been to see your sister and had a long conversation with her. I want you to know, and I already told her: Jackson would never turn you out, and… I’m so sorry we ever made you feel that way.”
Dina nodded slowly and Maria continued. “I’m sorry we didn’t make you feel safe and… that you felt you had to keep… that you couldn’t come to me when you were hurt,” she said. She took another breath, and Ellie watched her hands shake. “I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like that.”
“Maria…” Dina shook her head. “I’m not mad and… we were safe,” she nodded. “Jackson is safe…”
“No, it’s not,” Maria said. “I… I trusted someone that I shouldn’t have, and that’s on me. You trusted me to keep you safe, trusted me to guide you and be your mentor so you could be a future leader of this town,” she reminded Dina.
“It’s on the whole council,” Ellie argued.
Maria turned her gaze to Ellie. “You’re right, it is on all of us and we’re working to fix it, I promise,” she said. “I wanted to be the one to tell you both that as of this morning, I’m stepping down from the council.”
“What?” both girls exclaimed.
Maria held up a hand. “What happened last week, was eye-opening and shocking, to say the least. My poor judgment could have gotten you more seriously hurt than you already were, Ellie. Tommy and I talked for a long time and we… I feel that it’s best that I do some self-reflecting, and take time to mend what I’ve broken in this town, take care of my family and, Dina,” she said, looking over at her, “if you want, I still want to be your mentor.”
“Oh… I mean…”
“I may not be a sitting council member right now, but I’m going to be working with some members and other people in town to draft new laws, put more protection in place for our community, and…” she took a breath, glancing over at Ellie, “if the time comes and the town wants to vote me back onto the council, then that’s the path I’m meant to be on. If not, then, I want to continue to help shape the future of this town.”
Ellie glanced over at Dina and they nodded slowly. “Ellie…” Maria said, clearing her throat. “Can I… talk to you in private for a moment?”
Dina looked to Ellie for confirmation and Ellie nodded. “I can go get us some lunch from the dining hall,” she offered. Ellie nodded and smiled as Dina got up and left.
Once they were alone, Ellie and Maria stared at one another. “Did you want to say something or…” Ellie shrugged.
“No…” Maria shook her head. “Yes, I have something to say. First off, I want you to know that Tommy and I care about you and… that hasn’t changed and I don’t…”
“I know you do,” Ellie offered, scooting to sit on the edge of the bed, rubbing her toes on the rug.
Maria nodded. “I don’t know how to ask for your forgiveness,” she admitted. “I put you in the worst situation, and I don’t know if it’s forgivable.”
“You could… kick his ass out of town,” Ellie suggested.
“Not my call anymore,” she reminded Ellie. “I don’t know what they’re going to do with him.”
“I have a few more ideas if you want me to talk to someone,” Ellie mumbled.
“Ellie…” Maria said with a warning tone. “I need you to do something for me.”
“Seriously?” Ellie asked incredulously.
“I need you to talk to Joel,” she said.
“Maria…” Ellie all but whined.
Maria shifted in the chair, scooting closer to Ellie. “This… this is serious, Ellie. For my peace of mind, I need you to do this. I need you to talk to him about his time on the road. He needs to tell you about the things he did before he went to Boston.”
“He and Tommy,” Ellie amended. “The things he and Tommy did. The things he and half the population that survived outbreak day, did!”
“Tommy did what Joel told him to do,” Maria insisted. “And what about the other half of the people? What about the people they did things to, Ellie?”
“Last time I checked,” Ellie said, standing up to pace over to the bay window, “Tommy was an adult the whole time they were on the road.”
Maria tipped her head back. “I’ve seen a lot of bad men in my life, Ellie,” she said, “and the things Joel did… the things Tommy saw…”
“The things Tommy did,” Ellie exclaimed. “You can’t…”
“I need you to talk to him!” Maria said over Ellie, rising to her feet. “I want you to be a member of this community; I want you to thrive and I want you to have the life you deserve. I know you’re smart, Ellie, and I need you to see…” she paused, collecting herself. “Do not let a man like Joel Miller take advantage of you…”
Ellie was quiet, defiantly crossing her arms over her chest. “Did you want to say anything else?” she asked.
Maria shook her head, pushing the chair back under Ellie’s desk. “I’m glad you’re starting to feel better. And, I’m truly sorry for the position I put you in,” she said. “Just please, think about what I’m asking,” she implored.
Ellie offered Maria the smallest of nods which Maria returned. “Alright, I’ll let you rest. Please, come by sometime. Tommy misses you and Austin is doing new tricks every day. He’s rolling,” she said with a small smile.
Ellie bit the inside of her lips and looked down at the floor, unable to meet Maria’s eyes. Maria was quiet as she turned and left. After the front door closed, Ellie sat on the bay window seat, reaching out to turn the small succulent that was thriving again, its pale green body arching towards the sun. She blinked several times and then wiped at her traitorous eyes.
Another few minutes passed and Dina returned, calling up to Ellie that she had lunch. “Yeah,” Ellie called, clearing her throat of the heavy, unshed sobs. “Let me just get cleaned up and… and I’ll come down,” she offered.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Two Nights Later
It was another two days, and nearly two weeks since the church fire, when Ellie decided she was ready to talk to Joel. Part of his house arrest included shifts on the wall to compensate for him not working his regular job or doing patrols.
Two evenings after Maria had visited, Joel came home from a long shift on the wall, groaning as he locked up the house. He tried to stretch his sore back, but there was no helping that problem anymore. He was days shy of turning fifty-five, and even before the outbreak, his back had been a mess. Standing on the wall and sitting on a folding chair during short breaks did nothing to help his back.
He gripped the railing as he trudged up the stairs, hoping to get a hot shower to help loosen his muscles. Walking down the short hallway, he noted that the lights were off in the spare room he’d fixed up for Ellie, but upon entering his room, he found her curled up on her side sleeping.
He grabbed a change of clothes from his chest of drawers and made his way to the hall bathroom. While the bathroom in the master suite worked, the best water pressure and hottest water came out of the shower in the shared, upstairs bathroom. Joel needed both tonight.
Twenty minutes later, back muscles significantly loosened and his body dead tired, Joel emerged in a pair of old flannel pajama pants and a faded tee shirt, rubbing a towel over his head as he padded back to his bedroom. He tried to quietly make his way into the room, but he found Ellie sitting up in a nest of sheets and blankets gathered at her hips, the small light on the night table turned on. “I thought you were sleepin’, darlin’,” he said, dropping the towel in the laundry basket. “’M sorry if I woke you.”
She shook her head, fiddling with the pile of blankets gathered around her. “No, I… I couldn’t sleep,” she said anxiously.
Joel rubbed at the back of his neck, watching her from the end of the bed. “Got somethin’ on your mind?”
Ellie nodded. “Yeah… I… I need to ask you something.”
“Alright,” he nodded, “should I be worried?”
“I… I need you to not reserve the right to not answer.”
Joel took a breath then let it out in a huff, planting his hands on his hips as he watched her. “I… I’ll try,” he said slowly.
Ellie nodded. “I want… I need you to talk to me about your time on the road… after you left Texas.”
Joel’s heart dropped at that, and he sighed, letting his head drop between his shoulders. “sh*t… Ellie…”
Ellie let out a shaky breath and then pushed herself to sit up against the headboard. “I just… I feel like I need to know.”
Joel could only imagine where this was coming from. It wasn’t something he talked about and the people who knew what he’d done, also knew he didn’t talk about it. However, at this stage in… whatever he and Ellie were to each other, he didn’t want to hide any of it from her.
“Did you… hurt people?” she asked softly.
Joel nodded. “Wasn’t… wasn’t a pretty time, kiddo,” he said.
“No, I… I know,” she said. “Maria…”
Joel groaned, pacing away from the end of the bed. “Was she here?”
Ellie nodded “The day Dina came to visit.”
“What did she tell you?” he demanded, wincing when he heard his sharp tone and watched Ellie pull her knees up. She wrapped her arms around her knees in a protective gesture.
“She wouldn’t tell me anything. She said… she said I needed to ask you about it.”
“Of course she did,” he groaned, rubbing his hands over his face, barely resisting the urge to press his palms into his eye sockets. After a quiet moment, Joel sighed, dropping his arms to his sides before he stepped forward and lowered himself to sit at the end of the bed. “I’m sorry,” he said. “Anythin’ you want… I’ll tell you anything you want.”
“I just want to understand,” she told him.
“Ellie…” he shook his head. “I can’t…” he braced his hand on the mattress, his head hung low. “Something… a part of me… died that night,” he said, his voice low and full of shame. “I didn’t want to live but… I needed Tommy to live so… I did what I had to do.”
“Raiding,” she said softly.
“Somethin’ like that,” he agreed.
“But… did you hurt…” Joel lifted his head and saw her hug her knees tighter.
“Twice,” he admitted and his heart broke when he saw her lip quiver. Joel shifted and pushed up the sleeve of his shirt, revealing a thick, white scar on his bicep. “She came at me, screaming after I’d killed her husband. I deserved what she did, but… I took her knife and…” he cleared his throat, leveling Ellie with a look. He didn’t want to tell her that he’d driven the woman’s knife into her gut and watched the life leave her eyes. “I buried her and her husband together,” he mumbled.
He turned and lifted the back of his shirt, revealing a surgical scar on his lower back. “Bitch tried to take out my kidney to sell,” he said.
“What?” Ellie exclaimed, crawling across the bed to touch his back.
“Underground sh*t in the QZ,” he said, peering at her over his shoulder. Her touch was light, tender, far more than he deserved. “She drugged me with my own stash but it wasn’t enough and I came to when she was cutting into me.”
“Bitch got what she deserved,” Ellie said, covering the scar with the palm of her hand. “Joel…”
“Listen to me, sweet girl,” he said reaching back to take her hand, turning himself so he could face her. “I ain’t proud of one day I spent on the road… I don’t think I’m proud of anythin’ I’ve done since I buried my baby girl in a field outside of Austin,” he admitted, his voice thick.
Ellie gripped his hands and sniffled. “Tommy...” he choked, clearing his throat, “Tommy says there were better ways to do things but… we weren’t any good at them,” he told her. “I… I am the monster Maria thinks I am.”
“Can I… I want to hold you,” Ellie said. Joel nodded and shifted closer to her as she wound her arms around his shoulder and his arms came around her waist.
Ellie gripped the back of his head, burying her face in his neck. “You’re not a monster,” she mumbled into his shirt. “You just… did monstrous things. There’s a difference; I know the difference.”
Joel held her close, thinking of the horror she faced in the burned-down church. “I never… I would never hurt anyone... do that to anyone," he said seriously, pressing his face into her shoulder. “I… could have done more to help women or… something,” he said, holding her tighter. “There’s more…”
Ellie sighed and her body sagged against his. “It’s okay,” she started.
Joel shook his head, holding her shoulders as he pulled away from her. “None of it’s okay. Maria told me she let me stay here because she thought I deserved a second chance… and look what I’ve done,” he sighed, pushing a lock of hair away from her cheek.
“You’re my choice,” Ellie reminded him. She reached out and touched his face, running her fingers down his jaw. “I’m… I’m sorry the world was so cruel to you,” she said.
“Ellie…” he closed his eyes, leaning into her gentle touch. “I am the monster because I would do it again in a heartbeat… to protect you,” he admitted. “It doesn’t… none of this matters without you,” he whispered the last two words, his head hung between his shoulders.
“Okay,” she whispered back and he lifted his eyes, just watching her for a long moment.
Joel wanted to say something, wanted to tell her all the things she deserved to hear, but the words stuck in his throat and he just nodded slowly, reaching up to pull her hand away. “Will you… stay tonight?”
Ellie nodded, crawling back across the bed to settle under the covers. Joel followed and Ellie clicked off the small light by the bed, tucking herself close to him as he pulled the covers over them. Joel rubbed his hand up and down her back, feeling her body relax under his touch. “I don’t want to sleep in the other room,” she whispered to the darkness.
“Okay,” he breathed, stroking her hair. When her breathing evened out and she stopped twitching against him, and he was sure she was asleep, Joel pressed a kiss to the crown of her head. “I love you, Ellie,” he whispered in her hair.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
A few days later, Ellie still hadn’t made much progress with leaving the house. Joel and Dina continued to make sure she ate, while Frank had dropped off a casserole the night before. The morning after their talk about Joel’s past, Ellie had told him she knew she needed to get back to the clinic, but she couldn’t bring herself to make the walk across town. Joel had said if she wasn’t ready, then she wasn’t ready. Doc wasn’t going to scold her for not coming back yet, Maria was no longer in a position to tell her what to do, and she needed to give herself some grace and time to heal.
Nearly three weeks had passed and Joel had a midday shift on the wall, so he’d slept in and then gotten up to shower and shave. He heard her before he saw her in his periphery. It felt like waiting for a skittish calf to approach and see if the slightest movement would startle her. Joel shifted his gaze back to the cracked mirror above the sink, noting that he was clad in only a pair of boxers while he stood in the steamy bathroom, giving his face the once-over while he shaved his jaw and neck.
Ellie stood in the hallway watching him. “You need to get in here, darlin’?” he asked softly.
Ellie approached the small bathroom and leaned against the wooden frame. She lifted her hands, fiddling with the too-long sleeves of the flannel he’d put on her that morning. Along with making sure she was eating, he’d made sure she bathed herself and wore clean clothes. When she finally came around, he wanted her to feel human, feel like herself again.
If that was possible.
“Have…” she cleared her. “When was the last time you were clean-shaven?” she asked.
Joel blinked at his reflection then turned to look down at her. He gave her pause, his eyes shifting as he thought back. “Probably right after Sarah was born,” he recalled.
Ellie nodded, taking a step into the bathroom. “You didn’t want to scratch her face?”
“Mmhmm,” he nodded. Joel grabbed the small, magnified mirror, pulling it closer to him as she shifted to stand in front of the small counter. “Had a scruffy beard, nothin’ impressive for an eighteen-year-old punk,” he smirked, lifting his eyes to his reflection in the mirror above the sink again. “Wanted to look older and tougher than I really was. But.. first time I held that screamin’ bundle… didn’t wanna scratch those soft cheeks,” he said, a wistful look in his eyes. “Stayed clean-shaven until she was about one then just let it grow back.”
Ellie shuffled around him, putting herself between him and the counter, then hoisted herself up, sitting on the narrow counter space. She picked up the small, round, magnified mirror and lifted it for him so he could continue.
“Ahh, I know what I’m forgettin’,” he said, lifting his razor to his face again. “This ain’t pleasant, but I had to shave my face and head a few times in the QZ,” he told her.
Her eyes widened a little at that, then she gave him a knowing nod. “Lice?”
“Never wanna go through that again,” he all but shuddered.
“I like your hair like this,” she said softly, peering up at his damp locks.
“Gonna have to pull it back like Tommy soon,” he smirked.
“Don’t you dare,” Ellie chided, lifting one hand to his neck. She moved slowly, touching the pads of her fingers to the back of his neck. “Curls a little,” she observed out loud.
He sighed at her gentle touch, casting his hooded gaze on her face. She shifted her stare from his neck back to his eyes and she dropped her hand back to her lap. Ellie held up the mirror, waiting for him to continue. Joel cleared his throat and lifted his chin, working his razor over the delicate skin of his neck. “You hungry?” he asked her.
“Maybe a little,” she said softly, rubbing her fingers and thumb together. Joel shifted his gaze again, watching her eyes roam over his naked torso. He cleared his throat, shifting a little as he began to realize that this was probably the first time she’d seen him shirtless since she’d caught him working out at the radio station; that felt like a lifetime ago when in reality it had barely been nine months ago. During their later encounters, including their clandestine explorations in the woods, he’d been all but completely dressed.
After what she’d been through, he didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. “Let me just…” he set down the razor and moved to grab his shirt.
“No,” she rasped, reaching out to grasp at his flank. Her eyes met his and she shook her head. “No, just…” she shook her head again and dropped her gaze back to his body.
“Ellie, you don’t…”
She blinked her eyes rapidly, shifting on the counter. She spread her legs wider, her hand still on his side as she pulled him closer to her. “I need…”
Joel took the mirror from her hand, setting it aside. He reached out and caressed her cheek, his thumb brushing under her eye. “Oh, my sweet girl,” he breathed, “I’ll be whatever you need,” he promised.
Ellie nodded, her thumb brushing against his heated skin. She was quiet for a moment, then shifted her attention back to exploring his torso. “What… what happened here?” she asked as she ran her fingers over a scar that stretched around his ribcage.
Joel huffed, not from the memory of the scar, but from the innocence and gentleness of her touch. “Ahh, probably some asshole in the QZ or on the road,” he said. “One that small didn’t even get stitched up.”
Ellie smirked and ran her fingers up to the scar at his left clavicle, stitched cleanly up to his shoulder. She brushed her thumb along the still-bright pink line, seemingly inspecting her own work. “Now, that is some mighty fine suturin’,” he praised.
Her breathing shallow and her movements slow, Ellie moved closer to him and pressed a gentle, lingering kiss to his warm skin. Joel’s eyes slammed shut and he called on any deity that might be listening to help him keep his sh*t together. His girl was traumatized, finally coming back after having been in a dark place for so many days. Whatever she was doing was for her and he begged his body to not respond like it f*cking wanted to.
Ellie nudged at his shoulder with her nose then turned her face and rested her cheek against his shoulder, tucking herself close to him. She wound her arm around his back and he moved into her. Slowly lifting his arm, Joel rested his hand on the back of her head, running his fingers over the length of her hair. “Baby…” he whispered, “do you wanna talk?” he asked.
“No,” she admitted. “I want to… feel something…” she took a shaky breath and lifted her eyes to his, “something that doesn’t hurt.”
He knew he should stop her, knew he should be a stronger man, and find another way to comfort her. He knew he should grab his shirt and… but her touch was so gentle and he couldn’t remember the last time someone touched him just for the sake of touching him. “Ellie…” he sucked in a breath in through his teeth when her thumb grazed over his nipple.
“Joel… please,” she pleaded, curving her hand up and over his opposite shoulder from where she still laid her head. “Please just…”
He heard her breath hitch and felt a warm tear slide down his skin. He cupped his hand over the back of her head, moving his body into her space, standing between her warm, bare thighs. “Baby…”
“I need you to love me,” she asked with a soft, broken sob. “I need you to… I want to give… myself to you because I want to be yours. I need to not feel like… this anymore. Joel please… hold me, touch me…”
He threaded his fingers through her hair, pulling gently to tip her head back. He cursed himself when he saw the tear streaks on her flushed cheeks, the dilation of her pupils, and the peek of her pink tongue as she moistened her slightly chapped lips. “Ellie… I do love you,” he confessed before he dipped his head and sealed his mouth over hers.
Ellie’s eyes fell shut and she blindly reached for him, curling her arms around his shoulders as she clung to him. Her slender fingers grabbed at his bare back, and she arched her body into his. Did she know the effect she had on him, he wondered. He cradled her head in his large hand, his other arm dropping around her waist, pulling her up against him. He groaned when he felt her legs wrap around his waist, and she rocked against him; she would most certainly feel the effect she had on him.
He mumbled her name against her lips, separating them. “Baby wait…” his words were soft but demanding, his forehead resting against hers as he fought to catch his breath.
“No…” she whimpered. She reached around her back, grabbing his hand from her waist. She dragged his hand along the edge of his flannel she wore, his fingers feeling along the soft skin of her thigh. Her eyes locked on his as she pulled his hand higher to her hip and he felt… or rather didn’t feel anything under the flannel.
“El-lie,” he groaned, his fingers grasping at her bare hip. “Naughty f*ckin’ girl,” he teased, the corner of his mouth turning up in a smirk.
Even through her glassy eyes, he saw a spark, the mirth and playfulness of his girl. Ellie shifted on the counter and reached between their bodies, cupping him through the thin material of his boxers. “Joel, I’m yours, please let me be yours,” she begged, dragging her palm over the covered, hard length of him. “I can’t live with the thought that…” she took a shuddering breath, frantically shaking her head. “That someone else could… please,” she whimpered.
Joel cupped her cheeks, forcing her to look at him. “Listen to me,” he growled, “no one is gonna come near you again – ever,” he said, pressing his lips hard to her forehead. He heard her gasp as his fingers clung to her damp cheeks. “You are mine,” he vowed, “and I… I’m yours.”
Ellie gripped his shoulders and pulled him back to her, slanting her mouth along his. His fingers dug into her hip, holding her steady on the small counter as he leaned down to her, his body crowding hers as he licked her lips, demanding she let him in. Ellie was soft and pliable, acquiescing to his demands, moving where he nudged and pushed her, letting him have control of her.
But Ellie had demands too, and while she twisted her lips against his, she grabbed his hand and pulled it to her chest, fumbling with him to undo the buttons of the shirt she wore. Still kissing her, Joel worked his fingers down the soft fabric, his knuckles brushing each bit of her exposed skin as he went. Once the shirt was open, he brought his hands back up her body, caressing her breasts as he moved over her, up to where he pushed the fabric down to expose her shoulders. “Soft,” he murmured, kissing across her face, and down her neck.
Ellie sighed and tipped her head back, pulling him against her as she pressed her chest to his. Joel reveled in the fact that it was the closest they’d been, almost nothing between their bodies as they held one another. A little voice in the back of his head was yelling at him to move her to his bed, but he couldn’t stop touching her now that she’d pleaded with him so sweetly.
She buried her face in the crook of his shoulder, her sweet noises vibrating against his skin. He kissed her exposed shoulder as he moved his hands across her breasts again, his fingers rolling the stiff peaks. Her own hands roamed across his back, clinging to him. “Please…” she whimpered. She started to squirm on the counter, her fingers sliding along the band of his boxers.
“Mmmph,” he shook his head, pulling away from her neck. He peered down at her body, watching her chest heave, her creamy, white skin flushed with desire. “Gonna touch you,” he promised, his big hand gripping her thigh.
“Yes, yes please,” she nodded, grabbing his hand to pull it higher up her thigh.
“Greedy,” he chided, giving her hip a yank as he dragged her back to the edge of the counter. He curled his hand around the inside of her thigh, and dragged his thumb up her center, groaning when he felt the slide of her arousal. “Ellie… f*ck, girl.”
“Don’t stop… Joel…” She tried to thrust against his thumb but he held her steady, brushing his thumb back and forth along her wet folds. Her hands dropped from his hips, gripping the counter as she lifted her eyes to his. “Joel… f*cking… sh*t, please,” she groaned.
He chuckled and shook his head. “There’s my girl,” he praised, leaning down to kiss her lips. He lingered, his tongue sliding along hers as he moved his thumb up to her cl*t, giving her some of the pleasure and relief she demanded. Her body shuddered under his and he felt her moan vibrate in his open mouth. Joel shifted in front of her, bracing his feet as he stood between her legs, one hand on her hip to hold her still, his other hand cupped between her legs. “You have to promise you’ll stop me if…”
She nodded, reaching up to curl her hand around his neck. “Promise… promise… just please…”
He kept his eyes locked on hers as he turned his hand and slid two fingers inside her, the movement making her arch into him, the breath leaving her body in a sharp gasp. “Hold on,” he murmured, touching his forehead to hers, cursing under his breath at how tight she was around his fingers. He wasn’t going to survive this. He insisted that he wasn’t going to give all of her demands, but this… he was bound to break.
He curled his fingers up, searching for a minute before her fingers gripped the hair at the back of his neck and she rocked her hips against his thrusting fingers. “There… yes, please, yes,” she chanted.
He leaned closer to her, pressing his lips to her temple, murmuring little praises, hearing her whimper and gasp in response. She was so sweet and responsive, her hips rolling to meet the thrusts of his fingers. “Go on, keep goin’,” he groaned.
Ellie slid her hands down his chest. “Stop, stop,” she panted, her fingers scratching at the soft swell of his belly.
“What’s wrong?” he groaned, his fingers slowing inside of her.
She tucked her fingers under the waistband of his boxers, pushing them down to free his hardened co*ck. “I want…”
“No,” he shook his head, his breath nearly leaving his body as she gripped him. The sound that left his mouth when she swirled her thumb around the leaking head was feral. His head spun. “Ellie…”
“Just… I want to feel you,” she panted, scooting to the edge of the counter again. She moved quickly, not letting him protest again. “Joel just… just the tip,” she begged, trying to encourage him to move closer to her. Ellie gripped his wrist and she groaned when she saw his wet fingers leave her body.
“Stupid game girl,” he grunted, watching her touch herself, gathering the slick from her body to spread over the leaking head of his co*ck. “Mmmph, girl… I’m not gonna f*ck… your first time cannot be on the counter in this f*cking bathroom,” he protested.
“I’m gonna come,” she whimpered, “I’m so close and… please, just feel it with me.”
“Jesus… sweet baby,” he groaned, letting her take over. He let her guide him closer to her, her hand stroking his length as she rubbed him against her entrance, her gasps pitching at a higher tone.
“Jo-el,” she cried, the single syllable of his name broken on a whine. “Oh, sh*t, you’re so… big,” she whispered, her jaw slack as she inched her hips closer, taking the head of his co*ck inside of her.
Joel ground his molars, breathing hard through his nose as he tried to control himself, making sure he didn’t thrust into her. He reached out and grabbed her hip, holding her as they both watched. “Jesus… baby, look at you.”
She nodded and tried to pull him closer to him. “Us… look at us,” she breathed. “More, please more,” she begged. “You feel so good.”
“No,” he shook his head, pulling his hips back before he pushed the tip back into her again. “Right there,” he breathed, feeling her grip and pulse around him. “You’re right there, you’re so close,” he whispered.
The sounds of their heavy breathing and his body joining with hers echoed on the broken tiles of the ancient bathroom. He held his hand over her mound, sliding his thumb down to circle her cl*t, making her cry out, thrusting her hips against him. “Joel… I… I’m…” Her words were broken and lost on a moan as her thighs started to shake. He felt her starting to grip him hard, trying to pull him in deeper as she climaxed.
He grunted through his gritted teeth, groaning her name as he hung on a few more moments, reveling in the feel of her pulsing and wet around him. “f*ck,” he groaned, pulling himself out of her before he started to come, his fingers gripping her thigh as his thighs shook from the strain of trying to keep control. He made a mess between them, coating her stomach and his.
Ellie didn’t seem to care, and he felt her hands scrambling at his sweat-dampened skin, clutching at his shoulder as she pulled his body up against hers. He heard a broken sound leave her trembling body and he realized she was crying. “Oh, my god,” he breathed, cradling her against him. “Did I…”
“No,” she sobbed, clinging to him. “So good,” she moaned into his chest, laying her hand over his heart. She pulled her head back enough to look up at him, tears rolling down her cheeks while a small smile played on her lips. “That was… so good. I want more,” she giggled through her tears.
“You greedy girl,” he chucked, running a shaky hand through his hair.
Ellie reached for his hand and pressed his palm to her breast, letting him feel her racing heart. “I just… I love you,” she told him.
Joel pressed a soft kiss to the corner of her mouth. “I love you, Ellie,” he said softly. He pulled away from her long enough to grab a scrap of flannel from a small pile near the shower. He turned on the sink behind her and wet the cloth with warm water, then gently wiped away the mess on her skin. He kissed her again as he pulled her down to the floor then quickly cleaned himself up and grabbed his shirt before he guided her out of the bathroom and back into his room.
Ellie sat on the edge of the bed, watching him hunt through drawers for clothes. “Do you want to come downstairs and help me make brunch?” he asked.
She nodded, watching him get dressed. “Alright,” he said, tugging on his jeans before he turned to her with a small smile. “After we eat, I have somethin’ to show you,” he said. “But, it’s outside so… I need you to… be ready for that, okay?”
She took a breath and nodded again. “I’ll be okay if you’ll stay with me,” she said.
“We’re not goin’ far,” he assured her, touching her hand. Joel reached for a bundle atop the dresser, handing it to her with a smile. “I promise it’ll be worth it.” He kissed her forehead, then headed downstairs.
Ellie unfolded the bundle and found the gray “Miller Contracting” sweatshirt. When she lifted it to her face, she grinned when she smelled the distinct smell of laundry detergent and him. Ellie couldn’t wipe the smile off her face while she got dressed.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
An hour later, they had eaten and cleaned up and Ellie looked expectantly over at Joel. “So… where are we going?” she asked him.
“Just outside,” he said, gesturing towards the front door. He laid his hand on the small of her back, guiding her to the front door. “Go on out,” he encouraged.
Ellie held her hand on the doorknob for a moment then swallowed her fear and opened the door, breathing in the fresh, cool, September air. She stepped out onto the porch and paused, watching a few people walk down the street. She turned to look at Joel then her eyes went wide when she saw it.
Sitting at the far end of the porch was the swing she’d admired the first time she’d come over to visit him. Gone were the green algae, chipped paint, and years of dirt and grime. Now, the wooden swing was polished smooth, stained to bring out the natural color of the wood, and swaying with the gentle breeze. “Oh, Joel…” she breathed, smiling up at him.
“Go see, sweet girl,” he said. “Took me a few nights to get the wood clean,” he told her, watching as she ran her fingers over the polished wood. “Tommy came over a few times,” he said, clearing his throat, and giving her a shrug.
“Are you two speaking?” she asked, giving the swing a gentle push.
“A little,” he assured her. “We haven’t come to an understandin’, but he does come over to check on you,” he said. “People around here miss you, Ellie.”
She nodded and lowered herself to sit on the bench. “Joel, this is so nice,” she said. “It’s perfect.”
“I know you have the apartment but… I want this to feel like home for you,” he said, sitting down beside her. “The council is puttin’ me back to work this week,” he said. “I’m off wall duty and going back to work with Tommy.”
Ellie was quiet and she leaned against his body while he put his arm around her. “You don’t have to do anythin’ yet,” he said softly.
“Have they… made any decisions about him?” she asked, laying her head on his chest as she draped her arm across his middle.
“No,” he whispered, “he’s still in the jail. Tommy said…” Joel cleared his throat and his fingers gripped her shoulder for a moment, “David claims he had Maria’s blessing to court you, to…”
“Don’t,” Ellie whispered, turning her face into the soft material of his flannel. “Don’t say it…”
He stroked her hair, shaking his head. “Council feels he should have a… fair trial,” Joel growled.
“Stop,” she begged, her fingers gripping the material of his shirt.
“I’m sorry,” he said, kissing the top of her head. “I brought you out here to bring you some peace. I don’t know how…”
“What if I asked you to leave,” she said, her words coming out in a rush.
Joel took a breath, holding her shoulder as he pulled her off of him. “Where do you want to go?”
Her lower lip quivered as she looked up at him. “You didn’t ask why or…”
“Don’t matter,” he said.
Ellie pushed off him, moving to sit beside him, facing him. “What if I asked you to pack a bag and… take me away?”
Joel reached out and touched the collar of the sweatshirt she wore. “I would ask… should I saddle the horses or do you want to hike,” he said. “Ellie… I was livin’ in the mountains before I came to find you because I struggle with… bein’ here,” he said, turning to look out over the town. Situated at the end of Rancher Street, Joel’s house had a view of the town, only from afar.
“I want to give back to Jackson, I want to train to be a doctor,” she told him. “But… I just… I’m not sure I can focus on that right now.”
“I have to tell Tommy I’m leavin’,” he said. “But, we can leave in a couple hours, if you want.”
“I… I don’t think I want to be gone forever.”
“Doc will understand that you needed to leave,” Joel assured her. He started planning a mental list of what he needed to pack, what he needed to tell her to pack, and what he needed to do to shut down his Jackson home before they left. “Why don’t I walk you over to your apartment and you can pack, and Ellie?” he said.
She was looking out over the street and she turned to him. “Yeah?”
“If you change your mind, that’s okay, too,” he said.
“Just… just like that?”
Joel nodded and pulled her close, pressing a kiss to her temple. “Yeah, just like that.”
Ellie wrapped her arms around him, a heavy sigh escaping her lips, her body relaxing against his. “No one’s ever… thank you,” she whispered.
“No one’s ever what, sweetheart?” he asked, stroking his hand down her shoulder.
“Put me first,” she told him.
Joel closed his eyes, letting her rest her tired body against his. It had been a long road for the young woman; she’d been through more in less than a year than most people experience in a decade. He would do anything to bring her just a little peace.
“We’ll leave before sunset,” he promised. Joel pushed his foot against the wooden porch, slowly rocking the bench swing he’d rebuilt, content to hold her until it was time to go.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Later That Evening
Ellie walked out of her apartment with Dina in tow, hoisting her worn backpack up onto her shoulders as she turned to her friend. “So, Jesse said he knows how to get to the cabin,” Dina said, “if… if you ever want a visitor?”
Ellie nodded, offering Dina a tight smile. “It won’t be forever,” she said, reaching out to touch Dina’s shoulder. “I just need to get out of my head for a little while.”
“You just want to shack up somewhere quiet with your man,” Dina teased.
Ellie laughed and they reached for each other, arms wrapped around the other in a tight hug. “I’ll see you soon,” Ellie promised.
Doc Hudson walked out of the clinic carrying a small black pouch which he offered to Ellie. “There’s not much in here,” he said, “mostly bandages, medical tape, and some painkillers in case someone gets hurt,” he said.
“Thank you,” Ellie nodded. “And… thank you for your offer,” she said. She’d stopped by the clinic to talk to Doc earlier in the day, telling him she still wanted to be a doctor, but she wasn’t sure how long she needed to be away. He’d told her that so long as he was working in the clinic, there would be a place for her.
Ellie tucked the pouch into her pack then pulled it onto her shoulders again before she turned and walked a few blocks over towards the stables where she was meeting Joel. He was loading up the saddles on Shimmer when she arrived. “We can only take one,” he said, nodding towards her horse. “But we’ll make due,” he assured her.
Ellie smiled and reached out to stroke her horse’s mane. “She’s a good girl and she’ll be enough.”
“You ready?” he asked.
Still stroking Shimmer’s mane, Ellie nodded slowly. “This is the first place I’ve ever been able to call home,” she told him.
“We don’t have to go,” he reminded her.
“I do… I need to go,” she said. Joel nodded and grabbed Shimmer’s reigns, walking with Ellie towards the gates.
With Austin strapped to his mother’s chest, Maria and Tommy were waiting at the gates. “Think you’ll be back for the holidays?” Tommy asked, reaching out to shake Joel’s hand.
“Can’t be sure,” he said, glancing over at Ellie who fiddled with the strap on her backpack. “I’ll bring some game for trade, let you know how things are going,” he offered.
Tommy nodded as Maria approached Ellie. “Come with him,” she said softly, “if you feel up to it. Please don’t stay away too long.”
Ellie lifted her eyes, biting the inside of her lips. “I can’t… be here while he’s here,” she said.
Maria nodded and stepped aside, moving towards Tommy and her eyes locked with Joel’s for a moment. Neither nodded, neither said anything, and after a long moment, they both looked away. “Ready, sweet girl?” Joel asked.
Ellie looked up at him with a small quirk of a smile playing on her lips; it was the first time he used the affectionate pet name in front of others. “Yeah,” she nodded.
Holding Shimmer’s reigns as they walked through the open gates, Joel walked beside Ellie, starting their hike towards Joel’s mountain cabin. A few miles outside of Jackson, they came to a fork in the road and Joel paused, peering down at her. “This is the turn to the cabin,” he said, nodding towards the path that would continue to lead them away from Jackson. The sun was setting and Ellie could see the snowcapped peaks in the distance. “That path is used by patrols and eventually circles back to Jackson,” he said. “Last chance…”
Ellie scrunched her nose and looked up at Joel, then peered off into the distance before she began to quote a poem from a bygone era:
“I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”
Somewhere in the far reaches of Joel’s mind, the words sounded familiar, but far sweeter coming from Ellie than anywhere else he might have heard them. “Come on,” she said, taking his hand as she nodded towards the mountains. “Let’s see if I can’t help you track that mountain lion once and for all.”
Joel chuckled as he nodded for her to climb up on the horse’s back. Once up, Ellie scooted back, making room for him as he hoisted himself up into the saddle. Ellie wrapped her arms around his waist, his hand gripping her hands as he guided Shimmer down the path and away from Jackson.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Epilogue
Early Spring 2037
Elk Mountain Station
“This place is long abandoned,” the man said, running his finger over the dusty control panel.
The woman pulled her gloves off, looking around the empty area. “You’re sure she would have come this way,” she questioned another younger woman in their patrol group.
The younger woman approached, handing her a crumpled, folded map. “She had a plan,” she said, gesturing towards the handwriting on the map. “This is her handwriting and I remember her talking about radio towers north of Denver.”
The other woman planted her hands on her hips, then stalked out of the radio station, pulling out a walkie-talkie. “Did you find a water source?” she asked.
“Yeah,” came a male voice, “we’re about a mile down the valley, setting up camp. Find anything?”
“Nothing useful,” she said, glancing down at the map in her hand. “Not yet anyway. We’ll be down soon. Over and out.”
The woman walked to the railing and unfolded the abandoned map, looking over the various circles and notes in the blocked handwriting.
“What are you thinking?”
The woman gestured to an area on the map, north of Elk Mountain. “I’m thinking I used to run with a guy that settled somewhere out here,” she said, gesturing towards Jackson County, Wyoming on the map. “If she headed North and survived, maybe he’s seen her, or maybe she’s even with his community.”
“Should be easier to move now that the weather is warming up,” he said, taking the map from her, and tucking it in his inside jacket pocket. “Should keep the trucks from freezing up. Starting tomorrow, we’ll make our way around the Boulder camp and head in that direction. What are you gonna do with her if you find her?”
Pulling her gloves back on, Marlene turned towards her second-in-command. “She was my responsibility and I let her slip through my fingers. I thought she would follow Riley, but she’s more stubborn than I gave her credit for. We’ll go as far as the Canadian border, and if we can’t find her, then we’ll turn back,” she said.
“You’re the boss,” he nodded, giving a sharp whistle. “Abel! Let’s go; we’re moving out!”
Riley emerged from the abandoned radio station and stood beside Marlene while the others walked away, heading towards the river where the other Fireflies were setting up camp for the night. “Do you think we’ll find her?”
“I think if Ellie walked this way and we didn’t find her dead here then she’s not alone,” Marlene reasoned. “We’ll head for Jackson County, and ask Tommy Miller if she came through. If she made it into that territory, then she stayed with his people.”
Marlene co*cked her head for Riley to follow, and they walked down the path away from the radio station to join up with the other Fireflies in their search for Ellie.
